The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 3: Jealousy and Roses
The blue of the morning spilled into the dawn, paving the way for the sun to rise. Elizabeth peered over her quilt, both eager to start a new day and tired. She had spent all night thinking of William Harvey, the honest gentlemen who she had acquainted.
Maxine snored endlessly, even as Elizabeth ruffled the quilts and got out of the bed. The room was small, almost the equivalent of a pantry. At times, sharing a bed with Maxine was hard for Elizabeth. Maxine liked to roll around and snore loudly. Over time, Elizabeth got used to her sister's wild sleeping habits and slept through it all most of the time.
There was a loud knock at the door, then it slowly crept open. Emily's wrinkled face appeared, her expression turning sour when her eyes met Elizabeth's.
"Breakfast is ready," she said flatly.
As Elizabeth nodded, Emily ran to give Maxine a kiss on the forehead, then walked out of the room. It didn't surprise her that Emily liked Maxine better, but it made her flush an apple red. Everyone always adored Maxine, and no one cared about strong, accomplished Lizzie.
With a frustrated determination, Elizabeth shook the bed that Maxine now lye on, and laughed without humor.
"Come now, Max, its time for breakfast," Elizabeth said through her laughing.
Maxine whined and stirred before she finally sat up. Her long, beautiful yellow hair was plaited all the way down to her back, and her cheeks were as pink as the dawn.
"I don't care for breakfast, I want to sleep," Maxine lied, burying her face in her pillow.
Elizabeth knew Maxine was lying through her teeth, especially since Bertha always made her her famous buttermilk, blueberry pancakes. They were Maxine's favorite.
"I can smell Bertha frying pork," Elizabeth teased, sniffing the air.
She could indeed smell the aromas that waltzed around the house to the beautiful melody of the morning. Just taking in the delicious scents through her nose was making Elizabeth hungry.
Maxine followed in her sister's actions and breathed in the sweet smells. Her stomach growled, signaling that she was in fact hungry, but instead of rushing to the dining room, she pulled the quilt over her head and grunted loudly.
"What ever is the matter, dear Maxine?" Elizabeth asked, mimicking Emily.
"I feel sorry for you," Maxine replied, tears in her voice.
"Me? Oh do tell why," Elizabeth pushed, snickering.
"Please, Eliza, don't think me nonsensical for speaking ill of your suitor but I do not approve of him," Maxine admitted, peering at Elizabeth through a tiny slit in the quilt.
Elizabeth met Maxine's blue eye and waited for her to finish talking.
"Mr. Harvey is too quiet and irrational for you. Eliza, you deserve a man of dignity and pride," Maxine explained sadly.
"William is a man of honor and he is very much as dignified as I painted him to be," Elizabeth protested firmly.
Anger boiled under Elizabeth's skin, she was tired of her sister speaking her mind about issues that didn't concern her. She wanted so much to put her in her place but knew that if anybody heard her, they'd side with Maxine immediately. Elizabeth didn't care what anybody thought about her but hurting her mother's child was nothing she could ever atone for.
"Then your brush must be veiled. Eliza, Did you not see the fire in his eyes when he...," Maxine started, angrily.
"Maxine, I have had it up to here with your nonsensical inquiries. So what if he looks at me with love and compassion! Can't you except that, for once, a gentleman has laid his strong eyes on me? Shame on you, Maxine!" Elizabeth shouted, angrily.
Before Maxine could utter another word, Elizabeth stormed out the room with a sour smile on her face. For once, she had rendered her sister speechless.
When she was downstairs, the smell of the delicious food smacked her in the face. As she walked into the dining room, her father smiled brightly at her, then rummaged through the mail.
"Ah, here's a letter from Patrick. He says that he's going to Berlin with Genevieve for a gala. Elizabeth, he sends you his love and respect. I told him that you were marrying soon," Mr. Greenly said, as he read a letter.
Elizabeth smiled and quietly took her seat at the table next to her father. He was the only one who didn't judge her or think ill of her.
"Berlin? I hope they make it there safely. Wouldn't it take at least a fortnight to get there?" Elizabeth asked, peering at Patrick's words.
"Dear, I haven't a clue but I do wish he'd come visit us soon. I'll write to his establishment, maybe he can come around for Christmas," Mr. Greenly replied, setting the letter down.
With wise, gentle eyes, Mr. Greenly looked at his daughter, wondering how she was holding up. Elizabeth stared back at her father, wishing he could tell him everything William told her the day before. She felt sorry for marrying a man who already to declared his love to another.
"About this arranged marriage, how are you dealing with it?" Mr. Greenly asked softly.
"Mr. Harvey is not the man I'd thought he'd be. Father, I know that I'll never love him but I could try, for the family," Elizabeth replied truthfully.
"Elizabeth, darling, I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do. Your mother is pushing you too much and I'm afraid I might lose you," Mr. Greenly confessed.
Elizabeth was just about to comfort her father, when Maxine walked in, cheeks still flushed.
"Maybe you should worry about Maxine, Father, she's green with envy today," Elizabeth teased, snickering.
Maxine threw Elizabeth an angry glare and then took her seat next to Mrs. Greenly's chair.
"Now, now, Lizzie dear, do not patronize your sister," Mrs. Greenly scolded, walking into the room.
"I'm sorry mother, its just that Maxine and I had a little falling out moments before. It was about my William, she thinks he isn't good enough for me," Elizabeth replied, sheepishly.
"Oh poor, Maxine, don't fret. In time, you'll find a suitor of your very own. In fact, I've heard through the grapevine that someone's taking the old manor at the bottom of our establishment. A family by the name of Garrison," Mrs. Greenly explained, kissing Maxine on the head.
At the mention of a new arrival at Pennington, Maxine's eyes lit with excitement. She knew they had to be quite rich and probably very handsome. Mrs. Greenly smiled, approving her daughter's sudden joy.
"The food is getting cold, we should eat," Mr. Greenly said gruffly.
Mr. Greenly hated the talk of suitors and things of that very subject matter. He loved to see his daughters grow up, before he married them off. To Mr. Greenly his family's happiness meant more to him than any shiny coin.
"You heard the man, lets eat, but first let us bow our heads," Mrs. Greenly agreed, her stomach anticipating the food.
After Mr. Greenly recited the morning prayer and everyone said "Amen", cups clanked and eating utensils clattered.
"Say, did you here back from Patrick, Mr. Greenly?" Mrs. Greenly asked, taking a sip of tea.
"Why yes, my dear, he's going to Berlin with Genevieve," Mr. Greenly replied, swallowing a piece of sausage.
"I wish I could enjoy life's splendors as Patrick can," Elizabeth said softly.
"Its a fool's errand for a girl of your rank to go traversing these strange worlds. Besides, my beautiful Lizzie, you are getting married soon. Oh, I forgot, did he get down on his knees and propose like a gentlemen?" Mrs. Greenly said, patting Elizabeth on her head.
"Yes, mother, he did," Elizabeth replied, averting her eyes.
"Where is Daniel, he usually comes down for a moment or two?" Mr. Greenly asked, hoping to change the subject.
"No I'm afraid I have not, maybe I'll go check on him after I finish eating. He stays away from us all day, its a wonder he's alive at all," Mrs. Greenly replied.
"Honestly, I forgot what he looks like," Maxine said, laughing.
The Greenly family joined in for a innocent laugh and continued eating the delicious food. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Lydia walked in. In her right hand she held, a bouquet of fresh roses. She told us they were for Maxine from an anonymous source and walked out of the room.
Elizabeth never had received roses a day in her life, but Maxine got them almost all the time. Before, her sister was sick with envy, but now she was cured by compassion. The hideous cold grabbed a hold of Elizabeth making her flush a deep red. At that moment, Elizabeth hated jealousy and roses.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Here again!
I've just realised I've been confusing Maxine and Emily in the previous chapters, so forgive me for that.
Lovely description and opening sentence.
.
Insert 'yet' before 'tired'.
Insert 'just' before 'acquainted.'
This seems a bit redundant, but I'll bear with you.
Definitely take out this sentence. It seems too much like a teenaged rant, and makes Lizzie seem pathetic as you're kind of playing the violin for her. The previous thoughts and actions show what you've stated in this sentence, be sure not to drum thoughts into the reader's heads. Trust them a bit.
Lye = lay.
Apostrophe in 'it's.'
I'm not sure buttermilk blueberry pancakes are an authentic 18th century food. Be sure to look up your facts, as I'm pretty sure pancakes were an American custom till much later on. The English tend to eat the standard eggs and bread for breakfast.
Pork = definitely not a breakfast food in England. Trust me, I live there.
Hmm, bit too wishy-washy for my liking, but whatever floats your boat.
Redundant. Nix.
Nix 'in'.
'Grunt' is the wrong word use.
Whatever = one word.
Nix 'very much', it's redundant.
.
Expand 'they'd and take out the apostrophe , replacing with 'they would.' or it's too colloquial.
Brush?
'I have had it up to here' is too modern. She would have said, 'I cannot bear it,' or something like that.
'So what' is too modern.
'Except' is meant to be spelt 'accept.'
''Shame on you' is out of place and a tad melodramatic.
Sour = wrong word choice.
'A little falling out moments' really doesn't make sense. I think you should replace with, 'a little argument,' it is more authentic.
Show rather than tell.
'You heard the man' is far too modern. And 'let's' has an apostrophe in it.
The alliteration in 'clanked' and 'clattered' is unneeded.
Overall Thoughts
I
I'm not sure about this chapter. It's my least favourite so far because nothing really happened in it, nothing to grab my interest, really. Show why the reader should pay attention. Readers care about themselves and their own lives. Tie your opening to your readers and their lives, or to the larger business context. After reading your first few paragraphs, a reader should know why they want or need to read whatever you're writing. Look for real events, real people. Describe even the most abstract concepts in terms of real events happening to real people.
II
The dialogue was somewhat mundane, and unneeded, especially the lenghty description of the food aroma at the beginning.That time would have been much better used if you concentrated on perfecting characterisation. Strong verbs strengthen your writing. Verbs mean action. When people do things, readers pay attention. When people sit around and have things done to them or when you talk about abstract or inanimate things, readers drift off. Keep your readers awake.
III
Consequently, Elizabeth's personality is coming along better, though it had no change to blossom in this chapter because of the above. You need to work on dialogue and action. Seek active verbs. Don't use lame, static, sitting around verbs such as "to have," "to be" or their variants. Instead of saying "there are available a significant range of meaningful options" (the reader envisions someone sitting and sleeping, and quickly falls asleep), say a specific person can choose from four options (the reader envisions someone doing something and stays awake).
IV
Don't turn verbs into nouns. Say "she achieved" rather than "her achievements included." Don't add "ing" to the end of a verb to turn it into a semi-noun. A discussion of the growing relationship between Lizzie and Mr Harvey doesn't catch the reader's attention with the same force as a statement that the relationship is crumbling or Mr Harvery isn't right for her. Someone is doing something. You're not just talking about static things and concepts.
Anyway, it wasn't as bad as all my criticisms make it seem, I'm just being harsh because your writing is good, so it deserves to be nit-picked to the extreme.
Good luck!
-Sarah
xxx
I'm back and ready!! Here I come...
Aww, come on. Someone's gotta love Lizzie, too.
Genevieve, I kinda like that name. Oh, I don't think I know, but what's a gala?
Angel-
Not much I can say for this chapter. I mean I liked it, but I gotta go read chapter four. Oh, and I can totally guess who sent the roses to Maxine.
-Merry
~Edited~
I'm back, Angel!
Comments in bold, corrections in red
The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 3: Jealousy and Roses
The blue of the morning spilled into the dawn, paving the way for the sun to rise. Elizabeth peered over her quilt, both eager to start a new day and tired. She had spent all night thinking of William Harvey, the honest gentlemen who was now her friend. They just met so "friend" is kind of an intimate name for someone like that....Just a thought to think about... When she finally dosed off, the moon was descending behind the purple clouds for the night. What? I thought you were just talking about the dawn and rising sun...and then you jump here...try to explain more that you are talking about the night before.
Maxine snored endlessly, even as Elizabeth ruffled the quilts and got out of the bed. The room was small, almost the equivalent of a pantry. At times, sharing a bed with Maxine was hard for Elizabeth. Maxine liked to roll around and snore loudly. Over time, Elizabeth got used to her sister's wild sleeping habits and slept through it all most of the time.
There was a loud knock at the door, then it slowly crept open. Emily's wrinkled face appeared, her expression turning sour when her eyes met Elizabeth's.
"Breakfast is ready," she said flatly.
As Elizabeth nodded, Emily ran to give Maxine a kiss on the forehead, then walked out of the room. It didn't surprise her that Emily liked Maxine better, but it made her flush an apple red. Everyone always adored Maxine, and no one cared about strong, accomplished Lizzie.
With a frustrated determination, Elizabeth shook the bed that Maxine now lye on, and laughed without humor.
"Come now comma Max, its time for breakfast," Elizabeth said through her laughing.
Maxine whined and stirred before she finally sat up. Her long, beautiful yellow hair was plaited all the way down to her back, and her cheeks were as pink as the dawn.
"I don't care for breakfast, I want to sleep," Maxine lied, burying her face in her pillow.
Elizabeth knew Maxine was lying through her teeth, especially since Bertha always made her her famous buttermilk, blueberry pancakes. They were Maxine's favorite.
"I can smell Bertha frying pork," Elizabeth teased, sniffing the air.
She could indeed, No need for the comma after "indeed" smell the aromas that waltzed around the house to the beautiful melody of the morning. Just taking in the delicious scents through her nose was making Elizabeth hungry.
Maxine followed in her sister's actions and breathed in the sweet smells. Her stomach growled, signaling that she was in fact hungry, but instead of rushing to the dining room, she pulled the quilt over her head and grunted loudly.
"What ever is the matter, dear Maxine?" Elizabeth asked, mimicking Emily.
"I feel sorry for you," Maxine replied, tears in her voice.
"Me? Oh do tell why," Elizabeth pushed, snickering.
"Please, Eliza, don't think me nonsensical for speaking ill of your suitor but I do not approve of him," Maxine admitted, peering at Elizabeth through a tiny slit in the quilt.
Elizabeth met Maxine's blue eye and waited for her to finish talking.
"Mr. Harvey is too quiet and irrational for you. Eliza, you deserve a man of dignity and pride," Maxine explained sadly.
"William is a man of honor and he is very much as dignified as I painted him to be," Elizabeth protested firmly.
Anger boiled under Elizabeth's skin, she was tired of her sister speaking her mind about issues that didn't concern her. She wanted so much to put her in her place but knew that if anybody heard her, they'd side with Maxine immediately. Elizabeth didn't care what anybody thought about her but hurting her mother's child was nothing she could ever atone for.
"Then your brush must be veiled. Eliza, Did you not see the fire in his eyes when he...," Maxine started, angrily.
"Maxine, I have had it up to here with your nonsensical inquiries. So what if he looks at me with love and compassion! Can't you except that, for once, a gentleman has laid his strong eyes on me? Shame on you comma Maxine!" Elizabeth shouted, angrily.
Before Maxine could utter another word, Elizabeth stormed out the room with a sour smile on her face. For once, she had rendered her sister speechless. Good for you, Eliza!
When she was downstairs, the smell of the delicious food smacked her in the face. As she walked into the dining room, her father smiled brightly at her, then rummaged through the mail.
"Ah, here's a letter from Patrick. He says that he's going to Berlin with Genevieve for a gala. Elizabeth, he sends you his love and respect. I told him that you were marrying soon," Mr. Greenly said, as he read a letter.
Elizabeth smiled and quietly took her seat at the table next to her father. He was the only one who didn't judge her or think ill of her.
"Berlin? I hope they make it there safely. Wouldn't it take at least a fortnight to get there?" Elizabeth asked, peering at Patrick's words.
"Dear, I haven't a clue but I do wish he'd come visit us soon. I'll write to his establishment, maybe he can come around for Christmas," Mr. Greenly replied, setting the letter down.
With wise, gentle eyes, Mr. Greenly looked at his daughter, wondering how she was holding up. Elizabeth stared back at her father, wishing he could tell him everything William told her the day before. She felt sorry for marrying a man who already to declared his love to another.
"About this arranged marriage, how are you dealing with it?" Mr. Greenly asked softly.
"Mr. Harvey is not the man I'd thought he'd be. Father, I know that I'll never love him but I could try, for the family," Elizabeth replied truthfully.
"Elizabeth, darling, I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do. Your mother is pushing you too much and I'm afraid I might lose you," Mr. Greenly confessed.
Elizabeth was just about to comfort her father, when Maxine walked in, cheeks still flushed.
"Maybe you should worry about Maxine, Father, she's green with envy today," Elizabeth teased, snickering.
Maxine threw Elizabeth an angry glare and then took her seat next to Mrs. Greenly's chair.
"Now, now, Lizzie dear, do not patronize your sister," Mrs. Greenly scolded, walking into the room.
"I'm sorry mother, its just that Maxine and I had a little falling out moments before. It was about my William, she thinks he isn't good enough for me," Elizabeth replied, sheepishly.
"Oh poor [color=redcomma[/b][/color] Maxine, don't fret. In time, you'll find a suitor of your very own. In fact, I've heard through the grapevine that someone's taking the old manor at the bottom of our establishment. A family by the name of Garrison," Mrs. Greenly explained, kissing Maxine on the head.
At the mention of a new arrival at Pennington, Maxine's eyes lit with excitement. She knew they had to be quite rich and probably very handsome. Mrs. Greenly smiled, approving her daughter's sudden joy.
"The food is getting cold, we should eat," Mr. Greenly said gruffly.
Mr. Greenly hated the talk of suitors and things of that very subject matter. He loved to see his daughters grow up, before he married them off. To Mr. Greenly his family's happiness meant more to him than any shiny coin. OH, I really like Mr. Greenly!
"You heard the man, lets eat, but first let us bow our heads," Mrs. Greenly agreed, her stomach anticipating the food.
After Mr. Greenly recited the morning prayer and everyone said "Amen", cups clanked and eating utensils clattered.
"Say, did you here back from Patrick, Mr. Greenly?" Mrs. Greenly asked, taking a sip of tea.
"Why yes, my dear, he's going to Berlin with Genevieve," Mr. Greenly replied, swallowing a piece of sausage.
"I wish I could enjoy life's splendors as Patrick can," Elizabeth said softly.
"Its a fool's errand for a girl of your rank to go traversing these strange worlds. Besides, my beautiful Lizzie, you are getting married soon. Oh, I forgot, did he get down on his knees and propose like a gentlemen?" Mrs. Greenly said, patting Elizabeth on her head.
"Yes, mother, he did," Elizabeth replied, averting her eyes.
"Where is Daniel, he usually comes down for a moment or two?" Mr. Greenly asked, hoping to change the subject.
"No I'm afraid I have not, maybe I'll go check on him after I finish eating. He stays away from us all day, its a wonder he's alive at all," Mrs. Greenly replied.
"Honestly, I forgot what he looks like," Maxine said, laughing.
The Greenly family joined in for a innocent laugh and continued eating the delicious food. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Lydia walked in. In her right hand she held, a bouquet of fresh roses. She told us they were for Maxine from an anonymous source and walked out of the room.
Elizabeth never had received roses a day in her life, but Maxine got them almost all the time. Before, her sister was sick with envy, but now she was cured by compassion. The hideous cold grabbed a hold of Elizabeth making her flush a deep red. At that moment, Elizabeth hated jealousy and roses.
Ah, I feel so bad for Eliza. She's the one getting married but Maxine gets the roses. Boo to her!
Can't wait to read more!
more?
no criticisms other than you may want to look up the conjugation of to lie
I think it's I lie on the bed, she lay on the couch.
Lye is used in soap-making..
I really like the way the book is turning out .. keep writing!